Meet Penelope, my new car.
She is named after the infatuation interest of Pepe le Pew, the cartoon skunk who pursued the black cat, who accidentally had white paint poured on her back, which caused confusion to her identity. I say infatuation mildly, since the skunk was more of a stalker, and should’ve been arrested for his unacceptable “love” pursuits.
Just a few catchups on Youtube of their encounters, yes, he definitely should be in jail.
Bill’s BMW was named Pepe.
I’ve postponed working on this writing for who knows why. One week has led into another. Just can’t seem to make sense of the moment, without sharing other moments that make this moment stand out.
Maybe a rolling start approach.
Yesterday, he was with me when I bought the new car. He, being Bill.
I am sure of it.
It surely didn’t feel like it initially when I had to call my financial person to make sure what I was doing was okay.
And the haggling, knowing for sure I was getting ripped off, but what did I expect?
Then the sense of haunting, the remnants of his information on the computer, as they transferred all of the stats from the former sale five years ago. Hardly comforting to see his information, but his presence absent.
Likely because he handled the last purchase, while I sat around and giggled at my impulsive two-ton desire, the one I wouldn’t realize would require premium gas for the next five years.
But it was love at first sight.
While he did the grunt work, the logistics of numbers he was so acquainted.
But this wasn’t the reason I am convinced he was with me.
No. it was when I entered the driver’s side of the car, while the salesman put on the temporary plates. He gave me the keys to turn it on to become familiar with its features. So many new gadgets. I am sure I’ll own another five years before knowing what it is capable of.
Same with the realities of existence after death.
I wonder if we are clueless what goes on behind the veil of our limited understanding.
Shortly after Bill died, I asked God for my purpose in life. The big, “why?”
Not why did he die, but why am I here, why?
What is the point?
I knew I wasn’t ready for anything of substance, but knowing something was there just out of reach, gave me the desire to continue on.
Running down the road the other day I see a personalized license plate, AVENUE.
Now, I am not one to become personal with my plates, I wondered about it for a millisecond, easy to understand unlike some that are so jumbled you can’t figure it out at first glance.
Later, I wake to the words, “Your avenue is God winks.”
God Winks is actually a name of a series of books about people who share moments that are Heaven sent.
That is it. My lane. My purpose.
The moments God has given me.
I am made for this.
To show others God, through what He has shown me.
In the midst.
So I’m in the car, and push the button to start it, and the song comes on the radio. The song that I’ve held to since May 10th of last year. The magical moment that was so incredible I hardly want to share for fear of diffusing its magic.
But the song…
Every breath you take, I’ll be watching you.
Yes Bill, Yes God, you are watching me.
I know, this is just a song. Oh, but it is so much more than that. It is a love pursuit a year long in the making. The moment is like a crescendo.
But to get to the moment with the song, we need to play out the story. Sit in the darkness, feel the tension, the hopelessness, the sparks of joy–all of it. The grappling with life and death.
One day at a time. Until we reach the moment in time.
So, beginning June 21st, the first day of Summer, I will share this daily journey with you. The journey that began May 10, 2017, when I promised God I would give Him a year to rekindle a desire to live.
I attempted this before, but I think I was too close to the pain at the time to make it public. But, I promise, if you follow along, you will see God, like a highlighter on an otherwise black and white page.
I will update you as we get closer…
Until then, remember, “Every breath we take, He is watching you.”