I remember with clarity, like when one experiences intense pain in labor, the moment when you feel you can’t get through another moment, but then as quickly you’re on other side, accompanied with a bundle of joy. Suddenly, and without fanfare, the prior moment is a memory that fades away in the backdrop. 

In the beginning days, weeks, months, of grief, I was told of a mysterious occurrence that happens at sea, of certain waves, called “rogue waves”. When the sea is calm, the weather is nice, and no instability in sight, this wave enters in with hurricane force and has the capability to capsize large boats. 

This is the best description of seemingly never-ending pain. One would take me under, and only release when I was nearly destroyed. For another one to come. 

But what I noticed then, even in the midst of such sorrow is this:  On the other side of the wave was the drop of joy. 

Oh sometimes it felt more like relief, but anytime one makes it out of the depths, the sense of overcoming is powerful. 

I made it. 

I’m alive– a key factor is to not deny its feeling, but instead ride it out. 

Eventually such waves dissipate all together.