Here and Now 

Almost didn’t make it a full 24 hours, the carbonated alcohol-water in the fridge, justifying as she does that she isn’t wine, and maybe a rolling-start approach may make better sense. After all, I’ve just spent two weeks without break having wine daily. 

Or, better yet, I could begin tomorrow—what’s the big deal if I delay a day in the grand scheme of things? 

No, I promised to quit. Walk away Josie. You can do this. It is DAY ONE. Come on at least make it one day. 

I see in an email a saying that has been with me for days, encouraging me on, “What if I could embrace the ‘here and now’, being present in current moments, and find that to be satisfying?”

I happen upon OYNB site again. Watch the videos. Read a bit. Wonder yet again if it is connection that I miss. 

I’ve read the stories from the sidelines for some time now, encouraged by another’s story to get me through the day. But what if I actually participated–community instead of isolation? Would the outcome be longer than the 36-day stretch earlier this year?

Would I be less depressed if I gave up the depressant? ’

What if it is actually the wine that’s the contributing factor to me not experiencing joy and freedom? 

Is alcohol even a pleasure sensor, or only a numbing mechanism? 

I am tired of this. I see people living full lives on Facebook; happiness and journey and purpose filling their moments. Yes, it could be filtered through many takes before the right photo of the spectacular sunset posted at the prime destination. 

Still, I do nothing. But write. Clean. Run errands. Maybe that’s why drinking is so important—it fills a void of hours of nothing, with something. 

Because I miss someone. 

I’m going to join. Today. A tribe. See if it helps to have an entourage on the sidelines, cheering me on to victory, at let’s say, the 90-day mile-marker?