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In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Day 20)

Limits I place an invisible boundary line around alcohol. Do not cross over. If you do, you are a failure.  The struggle begins.  Not necessarily from a weak moment, but the expectation I’ve placed on myself.  One that requires perfection at all costs.  After all, alcohol is bad.  Bad people drink alcohol.  You are a…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Day 19)

My daughter caught me in mid-change one day and comments, “You take off your shirt like a guy.” Oh. Apparently there is a gender-specific way one takes off a shirt, specifically the kind you need to pull over your head.  I guess a “guy” pulls from the top of the back of the shirt, and…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Days 17 & 18)

(17) Do not settle. I see the personalized license plate out of the corner of my eye as I am rounding the bend to a parking space:  DNTSETLE Don’t settle.  Settle for what? Don’t settle for less than. Less than what I am capable. Less than what I am _____________________? Possibly settling in comfort, of…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Day 16)

Last night Oscar the border collie’s light snore caused irritability to rise up my spine. Reminded me of Bill’s snore–one, yes one, of the things I do not miss. It would start with a “poof” exhale, and build momentum until the speed and sound of a roaring freight train exited the back of his throat.…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Days 14 & 15)

(14) Two weeks. Two weekends. Both on the other side, well, at least I can say this after today.  I read something this morning of a person who challenged herself to go without social media and TV for 30 days, and she didn’t feel at all deprived, but accomplished things she though she either didn’t…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Days 12 & 13)

(12) Simple, be gentle with yourself.  My emotions are raw. I’m on the edge. I have a party tonight, and likely it’s nothing to do with the get together as much as I need to break through the wall—the wall that feels encroaching, about to suffocate me.  I’ve accomplished nothing but battle the voices, with…

Do We Know THIS God? Part Two: Hope Calls

A moment from two months to the day after Bill departed from here. June 29, 2017 I’m talking with a friend while driving, about dying and feeling like I cannot bear to live, when she comments that a part of me did die when Bill died. She feels what I am really feeling is that…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Day 11)

“God, is it all for me?” I say to the air.   The writing, you wooing me to the OYNB site to see the writing prompt—did you do it for me? Not to write a daily account for others, even though I have content that feels authentic and worthy of page space, but did you…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Day 10)

The 50th birthday party sits circled on the calendar for this weekend. No, not mine. That was last year, and without hardy any fanfare. A friends. No, a close friend. Still, I feel anxiety creep up, and in, and seep away my contentment. And it is still two days away. I know it is difficult…

In the Middle of Alcohol-Free (Day 9)

She lay there with her spots displaying her youth. Dead before her time. Her lashes up close cause me to choke back emotion; long and thick they are like the ones you pay good money for if not blessed through genetics.  A beautiful deer, gone at the likelihood of an unexpected car.  A casualty of…