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What’s My Why?

It has been awhile, now hasn’t it? Six months ago I decided to take a break from sharing my thoughts with you. As I am sure you are aware, the longer you are without, the easier it is to live without. I guess that is why I wander my fingers over the laptop, hoping they…

A Pause? A Stop? A Breakthrough?

I’m sitting in the bathtub, in lukewarm water. It is 9:30ish. I have been up for hours, pondering how to write something of eloquence to make it official, though not officially sure of what to say–or what I am doing. I reach for my computer. Ten years ago, after my first book was literally stolen…

Glimpses of Life (8): Remission and Reminisce

This pops up on my timeline on Facebook, from one year ago today (May 17, 2016): O Happy Day! Bill’s scans came back clear and he’s officially in remission! Thank you God! And thank you for all your prayers and support! I sit here one year later so full of loss and sadness. I read…

Glimpses of Life (7): Messages and Messes

I’ve never felt so alone. I hear God whispering directly to my soul, “enough.” I don’t feel enough. On my knees in prayer, I told God I felt like I didn’t love Bill right, or maybe even enough, or maybe I even killed him–which is the biggest of all lies. The serpent went to Eve…

Glimpses of Life (6): Dreams

“Bubba, we are going to dream today.” He looks aimlessly around, searching for the man who would sit in the chair every morning and give him a “love down”, that special rub-down from daddy to doggie. Now he looks at me, and sighs. He will guide my dreams, and me. This morning while still in…

Glimpses of Life (5): Home

He is finally home. Yes, he is on the other side of eternity, but he is also here. Next to me. Actually, he will reside most often on his side of the bed. Since we’ve been together, he has wanted that side no matter the bedroom layout. So, I give him his way. It is…

Currently at the Table: Tethered

(To differentiate from the daily writings, Glimpses of Life, when something is shared outside the year-long reflection, it will be titled, “Currently at the Table”.) I enter the bathtub, and quickly fall asleep. It is mid-morning. My arms suspend in mid-air, as if my hands try to grasp something, fully aware of what, or who,…

Glimpses of Life (4): Strength

Strength Yesterday, Bill’s boss told me he heard, from the memorial in Michigan, a coworker comment that I was the strongest person/woman he met. I don’t feel strong. I take a t-shirt last night and use it as a pillowcase to breathe him in–laying beside this inanimate object has the faintest reminder of his nearness.…

Glimpses of Life (3): The Promise

The Promise I promised I wouldn’t kill myself. I willed my feet to sprint until my lungs collapsed, and my heart stopped beating. But I stopped, exhausted. “Help me, God.” Help. How do I do this? How do I go on when reminders of your fingerprint cause an ache so deep, it penetrates beyond the…

Glimpses of Life: Day Two

Sitting outside staring at the last of the blooms from the tree that was planted in honor of the man who died of cancer. No, not my husband, but the former occupant of this residence. We just make it back today after a whirlwind of memorials in two states, and in exhaustion, hit the bed…