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Glimpses of Life (3): The Promise

The Promise I promised I wouldn’t kill myself. I willed my feet to sprint until my lungs collapsed, and my heart stopped beating. But I stopped, exhausted. “Help me, God.” Help. How do I do this? How do I go on when reminders of your fingerprint cause an ache so deep, it penetrates beyond the…

Glimpses of Life: Day Two

Sitting outside staring at the last of the blooms from the tree that was planted in honor of the man who died of cancer. No, not my husband, but the former occupant of this residence. We just make it back today after a whirlwind of memorials in two states, and in exhaustion, hit the bed…

Glimpses of Life: Day One

I sit here on my deck, nursing a recent tattoo touchup, while reading the end pages of a memoir of a lady diagnosed with early-onset dementia. Minutes earlier, I read a post about a wonderful woman who died of cancer in 2017– a writer up to the near-end. Every one of her posts were reposted…

Over the Threshold

So I did it. Signed the contracts as stoically as the President, but with less fanfare, and likely not as much importance. It felt freeing. It was sad. I came home, cried, when early tears formed into snapshots of him as I attempted to nap it off.  Pics of him, lying there in the hospital…

Does it matter…Do I matter?

If there is no one to notice, does it really matter? If there is no one to notice, do I matter? I shaved my legs today–a feat because it’s likely been since New York since the razor touched the leg. But before gross enters in, I am hardly a gorilla, more like a peach. Still,…

Firsts

Yesterday was another hard one. Loneliness felt a lifetime long. Maybe the transition of one daughter leaving and the other possibly not coming, leaves me feeling alone. Still. Quiet. Like my life is stuck in this vortex of longterm grief. Without end. Maybe it was the first inspirational talk I gave since Bill’s death. Usually…

I Want to Go Through, Not Get Through

March 22, 2018 Yesterday played a melody of easy, until an unexpected song entered, and my emotions were captured by the familiarity of heartache, as tears made their uninvited way out of hiding. Yes, tears. No surprise here, since I still cry almost daily. But most are reserved for private, and these arrived in public,…