life after loss

A Different Kind of Light

I went to see the fireworks the other night for the first time in years. They were wonderful–another milestone in the journey to find life outside of Bill. Each year, we entered the same conversation. I wanted to go see the “real” light show, while he made his way to the stands along the side…

I Remember

I remember sitting in the bathtub, maybe a week or so after Bill died, feeling as if I was holding my breath, but without the ability to release with an exhale afterward. Like panic when we are under water and don’t know if we can hold it in another second, but find we are capable…

Glimpses of Life (5): Home

He is finally home. Yes, he is on the other side of eternity, but he is also here. Next to me. Actually, he will reside most often on his side of the bed. Since we’ve been together, he has wanted that side no matter the bedroom layout. So, I give him his way. It is…

Glimpses of Life (3): The Promise

The Promise I promised I wouldn’t kill myself. I willed my feet to sprint until my lungs collapsed, and my heart stopped beating. But I stopped, exhausted. “Help me, God.” Help. How do I do this? How do I go on when reminders of your fingerprint cause an ache so deep, it penetrates beyond the…

Glimpses of Life: Day Two

Sitting outside staring at the last of the blooms from the tree that was planted in honor of the man who died of cancer. No, not my husband, but the former occupant of this residence. We just make it back today after a whirlwind of memorials in two states, and in exhaustion, hit the bed…

Glimpses of Life: Day One

I sit here on my deck, nursing a recent tattoo touchup, while reading the end pages of a memoir of a lady diagnosed with early-onset dementia. Minutes earlier, I read a post about a wonderful woman who died of cancer in 2017– a writer up to the near-end. Every one of her posts were reposted…

Does it matter…Do I matter?

If there is no one to notice, does it really matter? If there is no one to notice, do I matter? I shaved my legs today–a feat because it’s likely been since New York since the razor touched the leg. But before gross enters in, I am hardly a gorilla, more like a peach. Still,…

Firsts

Yesterday was another hard one. Loneliness felt a lifetime long. Maybe the transition of one daughter leaving and the other possibly not coming, leaves me feeling alone. Still. Quiet. Like my life is stuck in this vortex of longterm grief. Without end. Maybe it was the first inspirational talk I gave since Bill’s death. Usually…