new beginnings

Tree Limbs and Handprints

Aubrey and I spent the morning cutting down dead limbs from trees. Sun enters in to replace the dead branches. Fear enters in, reminding me the trees are only temporary. Bill worrying they may die, and the value diminish. How I try to look at their beauty, and not their existence.  … I see handprints…

Glimpses of Life (8): Remission and Reminisce

This pops up on my timeline on Facebook, from one year ago today (May 17, 2016): O Happy Day! Bill’s scans came back clear and he’s officially in remission! Thank you God! And thank you for all your prayers and support! I sit here one year later so full of loss and sadness. I read…

Glimpses of Life (7): Messages and Messes

I’ve never felt so alone. I hear God whispering directly to my soul, “enough.” I don’t feel enough. On my knees in prayer, I told God I felt like I didn’t love Bill right, or maybe even enough, or maybe I even killed him–which is the biggest of all lies. The serpent went to Eve…

Glimpses of Life (3): The Promise

The Promise I promised I wouldn’t kill myself. I willed my feet to sprint until my lungs collapsed, and my heart stopped beating. But I stopped, exhausted. “Help me, God.” Help. How do I do this? How do I go on when reminders of your fingerprint cause an ache so deep, it penetrates beyond the…

Does it matter…Do I matter?

If there is no one to notice, does it really matter? If there is no one to notice, do I matter? I shaved my legs today–a feat because it’s likely been since New York since the razor touched the leg. But before gross enters in, I am hardly a gorilla, more like a peach. Still,…

Firsts

Yesterday was another hard one. Loneliness felt a lifetime long. Maybe the transition of one daughter leaving and the other possibly not coming, leaves me feeling alone. Still. Quiet. Like my life is stuck in this vortex of longterm grief. Without end. Maybe it was the first inspirational talk I gave since Bill’s death. Usually…